I love blocking people (like LOVE LOVE). If blocking were an Olympic Sport, I would have at least six gold medals by now.
However, as I’ve begun to take my mental health more seriously (and possibly matured a little), I’ve realized blocking someone isn’t always the solution, and it definitely shouldn’t be the first action taken to create healthy boundaries in relationships.
I was using blocking people as a barrier because I couldn’t be bothered with learning how to create and maintain healthy boundaries. But, you’re not going to be like me.
You’re going to be better than me.
Right!
Boundaries on Boundaries on Boundaries
Boundaries come in all shapes and sizes. You can have physical boundaries, mental boundaries, and emotional and spiritual boundaries. They range from strict and rigid to looser depending on what your goal is for yourself and what other parties are involved.
The overall idea of creating boundaries is to set guidelines.
You can think of it as a code of conduct for people who want to be in your life and for yourself.
Yes, your boundaries are for you too. Honestly, the boundaries you create are more for you than anyone else.
Why we need Boundaries
Healthy boundaries tell people who you are and what you will and won’t stand for. Still, they are also an excellent way to solidify our identity for ourselves and lay a foundation for the life we deserve to be living.
See, when we don’t set clear boundaries for ourselves, we are victims of the values and expectations of others as well as our (often flaky) emotions.
For me, the most difficult boundaries are the ones that deal with my family. As the eldest child and the product of a single-parent household, I’ve always thought it was super important to put the needs of others before my own. I wanted to be a good daughter and a good sister. I felt like things were challenging enough, so I should be easy.
As I got older, the idea of always being last on the list of priorities got old too. I started coming home less and ignoring calls to keep from committing myself to something I knew would make me uncomfortable, stress me out, or cause me to give up something important to me.
Boundaries are about balance. When we create and communicate our boundaries, we free ourselves up to be there for ourselves and the people who are most important to us without any of the yucky side effects like guilt, resentment, or stress.
“Staying silent is like a slow-growing cancer to the soul. There is nothing intelligent about not standing up for yourself. You may not win every battle. However, everyone will at least know what you stood for — You”. ― Shannon L. Alder
So how do we set boundaries?
1. Be real about your feels
The first step to set effective boundaries is to get really real about the things that cause you to feel less you. Anything that makes you feel like you are being taken advantage of makes you want to pull your hair out, or leaves you feeling like you have betrayed yourself most likely needs a boundary on it.
Action tip:
Think back to the times when you felt like you gave part of yourself away at your expense or felt used up by someone close to you or pressured into doing something you told yourself you wouldn’t do. These are great places to start creating boundaries.
I’m a visual girl, so it helped to make a chart.
On my chart, I made three columns: The moment, how I felt after, and a boundary associated with the moment I could implement to avoid this in the future.
2. Know what you want
You know what you want. Everyone knows what they want in life, but we are more often than not to paralyzed by fear to go get it, or we don’t think we deserve it.
P.s. You totally deserve it, and anxiety is a prick that doesn’t own you.
Ask yourself these questions:
What version of me would make me want to jump out of bed every morning?
What habits and mindset are standing in between me and my fabulous life?
See how these things line up with the boundaries you wrote down earlier based on your relationships with others and create a master list of no more than ten boundaries you need to implement.
3. Open your mouth
So, you’ve got your list and a new attitude about boundaries. Now it’s time to make those bad boys known. Be vocal with anyone who is directly affected by your boundaries about what they are and why you feel they are important to you. Stating your boundaries doesn’t need to be a big deal. Honestly, in most cases, a simple conversation or text (depending on the person) will do.
3. Drop the guilt
Many of us can’t commit to ourselves and our boundaries because we feel like we are letting others down or changing up on people. Stop that! Take those thoughts and throw them out of the window. You have the right to make yourself a priority. You shouldn’t feel guilt or shame about doing the things that are best for you. Letting go of these feelings will allow you to settle into your boundaries and make them stick.
4. Stand in your truth
You might receive a little push back at first on some of your boundaries, but don’t waver. Having firm boundaries is a form of self-respect. The people who care about you will come to understand why you need the things you need, and the people who don’t will fall off on their own (no block button required).
5. Do the work
Doing the work is the most difficult part, aside from getting started because it is going to require accountability. We’ve made our list and checked off all the boxes, but boundaries don’t just stand on their own we have to put a little muscle behind them.
In the beginning, it will be tough. Know that you are making the best choice for you by saying no.
Action tip:
Put your list up somewhere you can see it every day and check-in with yourself frequently about them. What’s working? Which boundaries need to be more rigid or loose? Are these boundaries serving me? Visit them like you would a friend, often, and with an open mind while always keeping that fabulous life you deserve at the forefront.
Creating and implementing healthy boundaries takes practice and effort, but you have SO got this.
As you continue to make these boundaries apart of your day-to-day life, you will become more confident about asking for the things you want, and you’ll find yourself actually getting them!
So let’s make a pact to lighten up on the block button and try open and honest communication about what we want and need.
Remember, the only person who is responsible for the success of your boundaries is you.
“Many of us live in denial of who we truly are because we fear losing someone or something, and there are times that if we don’t rock the boat, too often the one we lose is ourselves. It feels good to be accepted, loved, and approved of by others, but often, the membership fee to belong to that club is far too high of a price to pay.”
― Dennis Merritt Jones
With Love,
Jade
